Here's some of the things that I have to celebrate about 2014:
- Finished my first full year of teaching! That was a big deal.
- In June, we bought our first house! More of a cottage, really, but it's all ours.
- My husband and I tore out the 1960 kitchen- no lie, had NOT been touched since 1960- with our own two hands and put a lot of love and sweat and tears (mostly mine) into it. It's far from prefect, but I love that we did it ourselves. It was far from the relationship nightmare you hear about. It was actually kind of romantic! I have the best husband ever.
- In August, we found out we were pregnant- BIG surprise! But we were so, so, so happy. I think we spent a week straight just staring at each other and laughing at how happy we were.
- In October, we got the scary news about Evie's diagnosis; first her omphalocele, then her limb-body wall complex. We spent the rest of the year up until now kind of wading our way through that.
In January we have another doctor's appointment with the OB and the NICU doctor, and it's going to be a big one. We'll find out if Evie has a diaphragm, and what her lung function might be like after she's born. Plus they'll probably schedule my c-section. Which is terrifying.
2015 is forever going to be about Evie, no matter what else happens that year. It will be all about the day she's born, the day she goes to heaven, and how to learn how to breathe again without her. The closer I get, the more I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and someone's about to push me over. I'm trying to dig in my heels to keep it from happening, but there's nothing I can do; this little girl is going to be born at some point, and she won't be safe in my womb anymore. What happens to her and how long she lives will be totally out of my hands.
The past week or two, thinking about this has caused some near panic-attack moments. I'm trying to control and hold onto something that I can't, and I'm so afraid that the very fragile peace I've felt from Jesus these past few months will go away the second Evie isn't with me. I'm so scared I'm going to spiral into this deep depression and not be able to fight my way out.
Then I was talking to a friend who has gone through a similar situation with her pregnancy, and she told me about how before her daughter was born, she had so many people praying over her and the baby, and she felt this incredible peace as she was taken into the OR. As I thought about that later, I've realized I have been thinking about this the wrong way. So far Jesus has given me just enough strength for that day, every day without fail. Of course my Jesus is going to be there for me. I don't have that strength now, but he'll give it to me then when I need it. This year is going to be all about how Jesus gives me strength when I have none.
Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." This verse is usually on the wall of a locker room or T-shirt talking about how to be a great Christian athlete, which is so stupid. That's not what that verse is about at all. In the verse just before that, Paul was talking about how he was in dire circumstances and brought low, and his friends and family in Christ came and helped him. "Doing all things" doesn't mean hitting a home run for Jesus, it means that whatever circumstances you are in, good or bad or terrible or terrifying, you can go through it because Jesus gives you strength. I don't have that strength right now, but I have faith that Jesus will give it to me when the time comes.
This song is so incredible for me right now. The God of angel armies is always by my side.