Monday, December 8, 2014

On Joy

     All the good things in our life are so fragile.

     I've been thinking about the cruel irony that we didn't ask for this baby, then we fell completely and head over heels in love, and sometime soon we will have to say goodbye. How unfair is that? Oh, Jesus; how could our good, great, wonderful Jesus give us this great gift and cruelly rip her away?

     But really, do we deserve any of this? God gave us a beautiful baby. We didn't earn her. I didn't rack up enough points to finally earn a healthy baby. How many points do you need for that? Because whatever you have to do, I want to do it. But it doesn't work that way. God gives us free gifts, and he sometimes takes them away just as freely.

     God is good. Really, really good. Deep in my heart I know that; I can't deny his goodness at all. But JESUS, this does NOT feel good. This hurts. And I know- I really do-that everything happens for a reason. That all things work together for good for those who love God. That trials are here to test our faith, to produce perseverance, to draw us closer and closer to God and that we should "consider it pure joy."

     But guys, I'd be lying if I said I was feeling the joy right now. And I don't anticipate ever, ever feeling joy in this until I am in heaven and God has perfected me and I'm finally holy. I know that God has a reason for making Evie this way, but to be honest, I don't care what it is. If Evie's death saved the life and soul of every person on the planet, it still wouldn't be a good enough reason for me, because that is my baby. I would never choose to let my baby go, but God is going to. And I guess that's why God is God and I'm not allowed to make the decisions. I have to blindly and desperately trust that God knows better than I do.

     My joy is an intellectual joy. I have joy knowing that Jesus loves the little children, and that he loves Evelyn even more than I do and will be the first one to hold her in heaven (that is, if my sweet grandmas don't beat him to her). I have joy knowing that God has a purpose and a plan, and that his ways are bigger and better than my ways. I have joy knowing that I'll get to meet my little girl in heaven, and she will be whole and happy and never want for anything at all.

     It doesn't make it hurt any less, but somehow, it does. It hurts so badly now, and it will hurt even worse later when my baby is really gone, but it's good to know that one day, it won't hurt at all. One day, this intellectual joy will turn into real joy when I have the perspective of heaven and see God's face, and I won't have to trust blindly anymore.


  1. I found your blog through By the Brooke and just read your story, which left me crying at my desk. I can't specifically relate, but I do understand trying to find joy in what we do have - I think about that a lot with the months I did get to have carrying L before we lost her. Anyway, I'll be following your journey in the coming months...

  2. Thank you so much for reading and for your sweet comment! It's good to not feel alone!